Everyday Laurali Star

Life As a Solitary Green Witch!

Laurali
Hi, I'm Laurali! I live in a tiny, seaside fishing village in Florida where I nurture my plants, go hiking in the woodland, and wear flowers in my hair.

What It's Like to Live With BPD and What a BPD Episode Feels Like

 

A fall setting placemat with crisp golden fall leaves and a bowl full of acorns found in nature

Today, I thought I'd talk about what it's like to live with BPD and what a BPD episode feels like. For those who don't know, I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and I sometimes talk about it on my blog.

My blog is my happy place so I rarely touch on this subject, but my blog is also my place to vent, share feelings, and hopes and dreams with my reading audience too. It's also a place where I can express myself creatively and sort out what I'm feeling at any given moment.

I'm a big believer in being vocal about mental illness because there's so much stigma attached to it, especially when it comes to having a personality disorder.  I sometimes use my blog as a platform to talk about hot button issues, all while wearing flower crowns and taking pretty, nature-inspired pictures.

Lately, I've been having a BPD episode and I want to explain what that feels like and what it's like to live with a personality disorder every day in a way that's most natural to who I am as a person.  

First, let's talk about what Borderline Personality Disorder is.  Having a personality disorder means that I look at the world in a different way than other people.  On my blog, it's not a problem, but in the real world it can sometimes create problems for me.  

Think about not being able to think the same way as other people or not being able to understand certain things unless someone explains them to you in a way that's kind and understanding.  Most of the time, I think and act differently than other people and can't understand why.  

The best way to describe what BPD feels like is to describe it as someone who has no emotional skin to protect them from the world.  The slightest hair-brained trigger can make me feel raw and wounded.  I am extremely sensitive to perceived slights and people going out of their way to be mean to me.  

This is a difficult world to live in, filled with many people who would take advantage of someone as sensitive as myself.  Someone who at her core just wants to be loved like anyone else.  

This has proven to be especially difficult for me in relationships.  Romantic relationships seem to be my biggest trigger.  Even going on a date is not a walk in the park for me because I have to mentally prepare myself for the upcoming devastation of being rejected once again.  

That's the thing with BPD, my trigger is being rejected, ghosted, and abandoned.  When I try to go on a date or start a relationship with someone, even on the friendship level, it ends in disaster because I know in advance that I'm going to get my heartbroken.  

By broken, I mean crushed and smashed into a million little pieces, never to be put back together again.  I can't cope with the pain and loss of losing someone so I do what I do best, which is to push them away before they can abandon me. 

As you can imagine, that never ends well.  What I really want and have been looking for is the one guy that would stick around afterward, even if we have a fight or disagreement.  Someone who can help me tear down those walls.  

This past couple of years, I've been really working on myself.  I've been facing my fears and inner demons and trying to address problems as they pop up.  I'm not running away anymore, but still, no one sticks around or fights for me.  

I found out that I had Borderline Personality Disorder when I was Baker Acted more than two years ago for suicidal thoughts and ideation.  You can read more about it in, How I Deal With Empty-Nest Syndrome: Two Years Later.

At that time in my life, my last kid left the nest early and I had lost pretty much every person in my life, except my mom.  In my eyes, I saw it as being abandoned and losing all hope.  

I'm doing better than I was a couple years ago.  But, this summer triggered the biggest BPD episode that I've had since then.  I had someone that I cared about and had romantic feelings for turn on me in my moment of need.  

I've tried to reach out to this person several times and to no avail.  This person has rejected me, ghosted me, and abandoned me to the point where I've completely given up on ever knowing them again.  The worst part is that I have to live in the same town as him.

In my eyes, I just wanted to talk and make things right between us.  If nothing else, I thought there was a friendship there, but I thought maybe there were romantic feelings too.  

This was a person that I genuinely cared about and still do on many levels.  You can read about my mini-tower moment that forced me to walk away from this person for good.  

What It's Like to Live With BPD and What a BPD Episode Feels Like

What does it feel like to have a Borderline Personality Disorder Episode?  It feels like every nerve ending in my body is standing up and it's painful to the touch.  It feels like my emotions are a big, raw open wound that consumes me like wildfire.  

This is how I've felt for the better part of the summer.  The reason that I didn't want to deal with the truth of the situation is that I knew that it would cause me to spiral and it did.  

I've been crying a lot, to the point where my throat hurts.  I've also felt a surge of anger go through me for how I've been treated by this person.  I'm a gentle spirit and for some reason, that gives men the thought that they can walk all over me.  

I feel like he owes me an apology or at the very least an explanation.  But, I'm no longer holding my breath that I will get either one of those things.  I am moving on from him and really don't think it would be good or healthy for me to see him again.  

Having a BPD episode entails feeling so much pain that you eventually break with reality, doing something known as dissociation.  It's where you feel like you're outside of your body, floating away from yourself.

Sometimes, the pain is so unbearable that dissociation actually becomes a blessing in disguise.  It's a welcome relief from the emptyness I often feel.  

I feel so intensely that sometimes I shutdown and become an empty, vacant house in which my body is ensouled.  When this happens, it's not uncommon for me to do something known as splitting.  When someone hurts me, as a coping mechanism, I begin to see that person as all bad.  

I hate that I have this or that I often feel this way, but this is why I avoid getting involved with anyone romantically.  Even still, I know I'm going to keep putting myself out there.  

Why?  Because at the end of the day, I really want love.  When someone rejects or ghosts me, it automatically brings up feelings of worthlessness and being unlovable.  

I think the romantic notion of love for me would be for men to stop expecting me to be a perfect saint.  I have flaws just like everyone else.  My knight in shining armor would be the guy that sticks around and tries to work things out with me.  

In the meantime, I have to keep working on myself, more than your average person.  Your average person doesn't have anxiety about leaving their house for a walk in the evening, for fear that something is going to trigger them.  

That's my life up until this point.  That's what it feels like to have BPd and what a BPD episode feels like.  It feels like you know you're this great person, but nobody cares and nobody sees it.  

At least the people you want to see you that way.  All that being said, I hope I shed some light on this mental illness.  

It's not something I'll ever be able to fully recover from, but I'm on the mend.  I'm doing the work on myself.  I just have to work twice as hard as the average person to overcome things.  

I'm fragile and not particularly resiliant.  I don't bounce back easily, like other people do.  When someone crushes me, as if I were a butterfly or a spring flower, I don't bounce back from it right away.  

But, the one thing I am is strong.  I'll eventually overcome this BPD episode and will have walked away having learned a few lessons about what I don't want to take into my next relationship.  

The one thing that has gotten me this far is my relationship with JesusMother Mary, and the angels.  Having a connection with the spirit world, prayer, and doing spell work has brought me back to life in so many ways.

Thanks for reading my story!  I genuinely hope that it will help someone else out there.  If nothing else, know that you are never alone.  

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